I was born Florante Tapayan Jr., but deep down in my heart I knew that I was meant to be Floe (pronounced “flowy”).
At an early age, I already knew that I was different. And the beatings from my father only further cemented the fact that I was different.
He would hit me constantly and without warning, lashing out whenever people would tease him about having a son who was gay, a son who was soft, and “kumekembot maglakad.” I remember when I was teen, I had tweezed my eyebrows. And that night, I was awakened by a punch in the face.
Growing up gay
When I was a child, I didn’t know what being “gay” meant, perhaps because it wasn’t yet part of my vocabulary. I just knew that I loved wearing women’s clothes and enjoyed playing with dolls. I would get curious looks from people, and, of course, I’d get admonished by parents.
It would be soon enough, that I would learn to differentiate what was acceptable and not acceptable for my parents to see.
I remember when I was a child, I would take my blankets and tie them around my body like a gown. I only did this at night, because I knew my parents would get angry if I got caught. (I only started dressing up as a woman when I started working and earned my own money.)
When I looked at women, I looked at them with a tinge of envy because they were beautiful and I wanted so much to be like them in every way. On the other hand, when I looked at men, I looked at them with a little bit of love. Oh how much I wanted to be loved by a boy.
I remember when I was a child, I had the biggest crush on the lead guy in the Jollibee commercial. In that scene, he was “wooing” the father, so he could date the daughter. And I remember wishing that I was that girl, and that someone would fight for me.
It’s hard to pinpoint when I finally embraced being gay. When did I know I know that I was different? I must say the very moment I became self aware.
A Gay in the Life
I’ve always identified as gay, and it was only later in my life that I understood – that the more politically corret term for people like me was transgender/ transsexual.
I grew up at a time when the nuanced terms like “transsexual” and “bisexual” had not yet been invented, or weren’t popular just yet to describe the third sex. At that time, in the Philippines, if you were a homosexual – you were simply gay (for men) or tomboy (for girls).
It was only a few decades ago, when sex reassignment surgery became popular, that I was able to understand what it meant to be transgender, and not merely gay. (In its most simplistic definition, being gay is being sexually attracted to the same sex, while a transgender is “someone whose gender identity does not match up with their assigned sex.”) Throughout my childhood and teen years, I had identified as “gay” because during my time, you were either a boy, girl, gay or tomboy.
Even if it was not something I understood completely, I wasn’t afraid of who I was. Everything felt natural to me. Even when I realized that I was transgender, I wasn’t afraid. It just made me more self aware and it deepened my level of understanding of myself.
Talking about sexuality with family
Growing up in a traditional Filipino home where sex and sexuality are taboo topics not discussed at the dinner table, and because my father would beat me, I turned to my friends for support. They, like me, were gay and unaccepted. And in each other, we found comfort and escape from the disappointed eyes of our family.
Soon I made the transition from being Florante, and started going by the name, Floe.
Though I wasn’t ashamed of who I was, I didn’t have the courage to talk to my parents. Even if they didn’t say anything, I understood from the way they treated me and behaved around me that they d had difficulty accepting me as transgender.
Many nights, I spent thinking of what I could do to change their mind about me. What if I did this less or did this more, would they would love then? In addition, how could I explain something to them, which I had difficult explaining to myself as well. I just knew that this was how I was, this is who I am.
Love and punishment
It was a difficult thing to process as a kid– this love between parents and a child. I knew my parents loved me, but I could’t reconcile it with the beatings and the verbal abuse. How could they love me and yet be willing to physically hurt me? I couldn’t understand. I felt perfectly happy and normal in my skin, yet why was my existence such a cause of shame? Why was my happiness their disappointment?
Despite them not understanding me, I dearly loved my parents, and so I learned to “blend” and “camouflage” my “gayness” if you wish, so I would not offend them. I toned down the way I talked and behaved when I was with my family,or if I knew that there was a possibility my parents’ friends would see me.
My father tried so hard to “turn” me into a man. He chose the course I took at school so I could get a job that he wanted for me. But by the time I graduated, I was a stronger individual, and I couldn’t and didn’t want to hide any longer.
The moment I finished school, I applied for a job as a makeup artist, which I love. I felt that I had to prove to my father, most especially, that there was a place for someone like me in this world, where I was not just tolerated but embraced.
Throughout all this, I could never come to hate my father or my mother. Thankfully my Lola, who I had always turned to, taught me to love my parents and be patient. She said that even if my parents could never fully understand me, I should be the one more understanding of them. It was when my Lola died, and then my father, that my mother and I grew closer together.
Finally free
My day of “liberation” came when I started work. I finally put my foot down and stood up for who I was. I put on a dress, put on makeup, and became the woman I had always believed myself to be. Then I went to them, not to make any grand proclamation but I wanted them to see me as “Floe.”
To my surprise, there was no violent reaction. No punch in the face. No snide remark. And slowly, bit by bit, I felt the acceptance. No longer toleration, but acceptance. And that was enough for me.
My father and I made amends, and my mother and I have never been closer.The years after were then spent making happy memories together as a family. Today, I’ve never been more grateful.
It may have been a rocky start for me, but I’ve found freedom. There are many more like me (transgenders) who have not been blessed, and I wish them the strength to find their own voice.
For parents who have children who are gay or transgender, I just want to say that it may be hard to accept and understand what it means to be homosexual/ transsexual. Even for us transgenders, it’s hard to explain something that you’ve simply come into being knowing.
Science or the Bible cannot yet fully explain how or why someone is the way they are and why their sexuality is what it is . I just know that whether you’re gay, trans, tomboy – we are all children of God, and I would like to believe as well, blessings to our parents.
To love a gay/ trans child is to love any other child, fully and completely, and without condition.
I understand that parents may be a little fearful of what they don’t understand. Perhaps my father and mother reacted the way they did as well, because they wanted to protect me from the world of bigotry. But I would like to make it known, you can never BEAT or BERATE a child into being “straight.”
I can’t say that I know the best way to approach a child who is dealing with his own sexuality, but I do know that acceptance and understanding are the foundations of unconditional love.
I believe it’s the choice of every individual to decide when and how they should “come out,” So even if you suspect your child of being gay/trans, wait for him/her to open up to you. Don’t corner him and demand answers, because he himself may not be ready and hasn’t processed fully who he is.
As a parent, perhaps the best way to support him is to create an environment where he feels safe. The world is confusing for people like us, but at least we can find comfort knowing that we have a home and a family that will always accept us.
For kids who are confused of their sexuality and are torn between coming out and hiding, in order to please their parent,s I just want to say that there is no more wonderful feeling than being free – free from hiding, free of fear, free to live the life you choose and not the life others dictate.
Being trans is a painful and difficult cross to bear, but the moment you accept it – whether you’re the parent or child, the load will become definitely lighter… and perhaps you”ll realize ,in time, that that burden can even be lifted.
READ: Gay mother raising her son: My son saw me kissing a girl in the bathroom
Would you like to share your birth story? Please let us know in the Comment box below. Like us on Facebook and follow us on Google+ to stay up-to-date on the latest from theAsianparent.com Philippines!
