Those who have kids consider parenthood as one of the most blissful things one could possibly experience. Author Zadie Smith said her children are the source of her joy. Beyonce called motherhood her greatest achievement. Ask a random mother or father on the street and they would probably say something along those lines.
But for some, parenthood is less a gift from heaven than a curse from hell.
“I don’t think it was worth it,” said Tammy on the website the Vagenda. “Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids. But it comes at a huge cost; mentally, emotionally and physically.”
She also said that parenthood ruined her body after forcing out a 9lb child out of her.
“And worse yet, it seems as though expressing this honestly makes me a monster,” she added. “It seems as though your entire self becomes nothing more than a functional enabler for your kids’ success.”
The reason behind this shift in attitude in women?
Times are changing.
Women no longer feel pressured to fit into this one role—motherhood. The attitudes on motherhood have been changing since the 60s, and a portrait of a mother is no longer the stay-at-home woman busying herself in the kitchen catering to their families.
“Motherhood is no longer an all-encompassing role for women now, it can be a secondary role, or you don’t have to choose it,” says author Toni Morrison in Andrea O’Reilly’s book Motherhood: A Politics of the Heart.
Regret is a normal part of every parent’s life, and usually it turns into adoration. On the website Parent Town, people responded to this question of regret.
“There were times where my close friends confided in how they miss having their freedom and had forgotten how life was like ‘pre-children,’ said Mom Hui Qun Ng. “That being said, all of them agree that having children had been one of the best things that happened [in their lives].”
On the other hand, there are mothers who are stuck.
On the website Mumsnet, there are threads dedicated to mothers who aren’t enamored with parenthood, mothers who long for the simpler times before their babies were born.
“It is not post-natal depression,” one user writes. “I am not depressed or ‘down’. No doubt someone will try to convince me it is, just like unhappy Victorian ladies were labelled as mentally ill when they were desperately unhappy with the lives society gave them.”
She adds her son is lovely and that her partner is extremely helpful.
“I adore them both. And, no, I wasn’t pressured into it, either. I was in love with the idea. I thought it was what I wanted. Society told me it was what I wanted, right?”
Another factor that contributes to this phenomenon is society’s long-held views toward motherhood.
Society dictates that it is all these great things, so when a woman actually becomes a mother and finds out that it’s not as great as what she was led to believe, she becomes frustrated, disappointed, and despondent.
For many, motherhood is that one thing that completes their lives, but this is not true for some—and that’s not a bad thing.
Motherhood is an experience, and like all experiences, there’s no one size that fits all and it’s different for everybody.
READ: 30 Truths About Motherhood
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