Don’t believe the stereotype that says women are just naturally more frigid than men. If you’re having a dry spell in the bedroom, odds are good that there’s something deeper to be addressed in your relationship.
Remember those mindblowing nights you had not so long ago? There’s a spark in your relationship just waiting to be re-ignited — as long as you figure out the reasons it went out. Here are some things your wife might not be telling you.
1) You’re not connecting during the day
Sex with your wife doesn’t work like a spare lamp — something that turns on when the lights are off. It’s the climax (pardon the pun) of all the loving passion that you build up with your wife each day, each month, each year that you spend together.
Your lovemaking is the ultimate act of connection, but you can’t get there without all the little intimacies that need to happen outside the bedroom. A loving peck on her cheek, a sincere “how’s your day going?”, a foot rub and listening ear when she’s down.
If you need some visuals, think of it as a sort of Jenga — both of you playing together with care and focus until that satisfying crash.
2) She’s tired and overworked
No, it’s not just a brush-off when she tells you she’s too tired for sex. What with washing dishes, working, sending the kids to school, and cleaning up after you, she has neither the time nor headspace for sex.
If she’s says she’s exhausted or has a huge headache, that’s your cue to listen — and reflect on how you can help her. Are you doing your share of household chores? Are you taking care of the kids and not just babysitting once in a while?
There’s really nothing less sexy than a man who can’t pull his weight around the house. Give her space to recharge so that she can return refreshed, lively, and ready for something to lavish that energy on.
3) You’re not making her feel attractive
When was the last time you told your wife she’s gorgeous? If your excuse is that “she knows I find her beautiful”, here’s the thing: she might have been sure of it once, but not any longer.
Ever heard the phrase “Men age like fine wine, women wilt”? Though both you and your wife are growing old together, society dictates that ageing’s blow to women’s self-esteem is much harder. We ladies are insidiously told that we have a limited shelf life, that we need wrinkle creams and concealer, that we must look young to be beautiful.
Thanks to childbirth, your wife may also have stretch marks, saggy skin, and other features that we’re told makes us unattractive. Her insecurities make her withdraw from exposing herself so intimately, especially to a husband who’s lost that adoring look in his gaze.
Make the extra effort to give her compliments each day — she shouldn’t need to fish for them. Let her catch you checking her out, just like when you were 20 and in love. Before expecting sexytime, it’s up to you to help her feel sexy again.
4) She’s not enjoying herself in bed
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Are you getting more pleasure than you’re giving every time? It goes without saying that sex needs to be fun for both of you… or she might start wondering if sleep is a better way to spend her time.
It doesn’t necessarily mean you should blame yourself — both of you may simply have trouble communicating your needs. Orgasmic dysfunction, where a person struggles to reach orgasm, is also much more common in women than men.
No matter what the root cause, it’s important to resolve it rather than accepting it as ‘normal’ that she won’t have fun. Don’t be embarrassed to ask a doctor or get some sex education online. And of course, don’t hesitate to practise a lot — now that definitely won’t be a chore!
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