Childbirth is an experience that’s unique to every mother. One mom’s birthing experience can vary from another mother’s, so childbirth really isn’t the most natural thing to explain, especially to a mother-to-be.
What childbirth feels like
Kira Hesser Cook, a mom, was also trying to figure out how best to describe her birth experience, and here’s what she has to say about it:
1. It feels like a rock formation with cramps
Kira describes her labor pains as “Thirty-second long bouts of period cramps (LOL, sorry but it’s true), rising in intensity and slowly vanishing, like a time-lapse sunrise and sunset behind a mountain.”
2. Towel-wringing from hell
Further telling us about the pain of her labor cramps, she describes them as “the contents of your entire torso are wringing themselves out like a burning-hot towel, each terry cloth fiber stinging and vibrating out its vitriolic hate barbs. Additionally, you are unbelievably nauseated. Fun!”
3. Snake venom plus stranglehold
It sounds a bit exaggerated but Kira describes the feeling as “an actual boa constrictor inside you, slowly leaking venom while wrapping itself around all your organs from your neck down to your thighs.”
4. Kitchen appliance torture device
She again writes, “You thought you were having a son, but you are actually giving birth to a futuristic meat pulverizer, which is inconvenient because you really would have rather had a son and also, you are a vegetarian, so you have absolutely no use for a meat pulverizer. Why can’t you hear your bones cracking? They are cracking, aren’t they? Well, your baby’s bones certainly must be! That’s right; because your baby’s skull is not fully formed yet and contains moveable plates, which allow the head to fit through the birth canal.”
Yup, that’s true. Your baby’s bones are soft so that your little one can easily come out of your birth canal. Amazing isn’t it?
5. Panic attack of parental failure
“Your baby is clearly very, very angry with you,” Kira writes. “You have done something enormously upsetting to your baby, such as patently refusing to give it lox bagel sandwiches every day despite its obvious lox cravings because you were “scared” of listeria and other various pathogens that apparently run rampant in raw fish.”
6. I Know What You Did Last Summer meets the “Kill the Beast” song from Beauty and the Beat
Kira compares the feeling of labor to that of your baby managing “to get his hands on a torch and a meat hook in there. You know, the kinds of torches that old-timey angry people in the olden days used to kill a beast, burn down a village or tear a supposed witch out of her bed in the middle of the night to throw her into the lake to see if she would drown.”
7. Epidural & it’s all fine
However, once you get an epidural, she shares that it feels like “an orgasm’s afterglow plus uncontrollable leg shaking plus a weirdly cold upper shoulder plus feeling like you’ve had two-and-a-half glasses of red wine.
Yeah, that does sound great. Maybe that’s the reason why more and more mothers are choosing to have an epidural when they give birth. Hurrah for modern medicine, and hurrah for moms everywhere!
READ: 5 Ways moms can boost their self-esteem after giving birth