Singaporean married couples are not particularly known for their sex lives. And we are all too familiar with why they lose interest in sex – long and tiring work schedules coupled with insane stress levels. Not quite the recipe for a firing libido is it? Statistics further affirm this. About a third of Singaporeans surveyed
Singaporean married couples are not particularly known for their sex lives. And we are all too familiar with why they lose interest in sex – long and tiring work schedules coupled with insane stress levels. Not quite the recipe for a firing libido is it?
Statistics further affirm this. About a third of Singaporeans surveyed cited that they have sex less than once a month. This is less than once every week or fortnight, which most people think is ideal.
But it seems that things may be a tad bit more complicated. Surveys show that men and women in Singapore do actually want more sex. The problem seems to be more of a lack of communication than low libidos.
We asked a few mums about how their sex life is doing and this is what they said:
“Just the other day, I told my girlfriend that I find excuses not to have anything at all in bed!”
“When he asks for sex I tell him he has hands.”
“I think I pushed my libido right out of me along with the baby.”
“Actually these days I feel just using the vibrator is more than enough. Settles yourself.”
“If he wants sex he’s got to have a hand in the chores. If he’s going to just watch me taking care of the kids and cleaning the house, why does he even deserve sex? He’s got to earn it.”
So you see, using vibrators and wanting the man to earn their right to sex means two things:
- Mums still have their sex drive.
- Mums are holding back sex for some reason or the other.
We asked Anita Barot, Lotus Psychotherapy, Holland Peak, 1 Fullerton Road, #0201, One Fullerton, what she thinks about this. Anita is a family therapist with over 10 years of experience counselling individuals, couples and families. She received her Masters of Counselling at California Institute of Integral Studies.
Insights from Anita
Men and women are wired differently. For women, sex is not usually just about release. Women want their emotional needs to be met. It is of paramount importance to them.
They need to feel convinced that their partner values them.
What is the implication of this for the husband and wife?
For the wife
Don’t be entirely convinced that you have lost your libido. It is largely possible that you have lost interest in sex because you have built some kind of resentment and negativity towards your partner. You feel that they don’t care, or that they don’t care enough.
How do you just watch me doing everything and not feel that you have a part to play in running this household? Do you not live here too?
Just because I stay at home, it doesn’t mean that I’m any less tired than you. Has it ever occurred to you that I’ve been dealing with screaming kids all day and I’m incredibly tired?
I spend half my day doing my job and the other half of the day multi-tasking as your wife, the kids’ mom and the maid of the house. Don’t you see that I need my rest?
These are actual quotes from Singaporean mums. You could have similar thoughts when you feel that your husband isn’t doing enough at home. And these thoughts cause you to lose interest in sex. It’s more than the physical exhaustion really.
As Anita says, sex isn’t something that you give someone because he asks for it. Sex is supposed to feel more intimate. It makes couples feel connected. At least, it’s supposed to be that way.
If you don’t actually feel like you want to have sex, you can’t just do it to make someone happy.
For the Husband
If you figure out what you partner’s needs are, and you meet those needs, then they feel more connected and both of you end up feeling happier. And when people are happier, they naturally want to have more sex.
But when you ignore your partner’s needs, and you focus on what you think or assume she needs, then it’s going down a slippery slope.
You don’t meet her needs and she starts becoming grumpy and negative around you. This becomes a vicious cycle and it doesn’t take long for you to get mad at her. You might not even look forward to coming back home, knowing you’re going to open the door to a grumpy face.
For both the husband and wife
If this vicious cycle goes on, both of you start to not feel valued anymore. When people don’t feel seen, heard or understood, they start to act out. Both of you no longer want to be around each other.
You start finding comfort in turning on the tv and just relaxing.
Both parties start feeling resigned and miserable. The sense of dread that nothing that you do is working starts taking over.
This is where things really start going downhill. You end up losing yourselves in the relationship. You feel very unhappy and you communicate less. Conversations become superficial and operate like a checklist of who’s coming home for dinner and what you need to buy on the way home.
When you completely lose yourselves, there’s just no communication. This is a danger sign. Conflict is better than the ‘peace’ of not communicating.
Eventually, you find outlets that make you happy in the beginning and then lead to other things.
You see, according to Aristotle’s theory, human beings are social animals and therefore naturally seek the companionship of others as part of their well-being.
They need to build and maintain intimate or close social relationships.
So if there’s no communication at home, it can start with an innocuous text to a friend of the opposite gender. The frequency and duration of texting increases and eventually we know where it leads.
When a couple isn’t even communicating, they inevitably lose interest in sex. They don’t have sex for a month, then two, then three and eventually never. It shouldn’t get to that point.
Head on to the next page to find out Anita’s solutions to this problem.