Is giving birth to a child the only way a woman is considered a real mother? Read what this adoptive mom has to say to mom shamers out there!
With all the sanctimommies and mom shaming that's going on these days, women seem to have to meet a certain criteria to be considered a real mom. C-section moms aren't real moms, working moms aren't real moms and in this case, someone told an adoptive mom that she's not considered a real mom because she didn't give birth to her baby.
Mom Shaming Incident
Reddit user Vietnamazinggg, wrote,
A woman on Facebook tried to tell me I wasn't a real a real parent since I didn't give birth. My response to her: I did not give birth to my child. I did not get to feel him growing within me, or hold him against my skin when he was born. Perhaps by your definition, my child is not a part of me - he does not resemble me or my wife.
Let me tell you what being a parent is to me. I didn't labor for hours for this child, I labored for YEARS. I waited for years to be told that we had been chosen, that we were finally going to be allowed to be parents. I didn't feel labor pains. I felt the incredible pain of emptiness in my heart and home as my wife and I yearned to begin our family through adoption. I didn't get to wake up in the middle of the night and nurse my sweet child. I did, though, spend many nights lying awake and praying to whomever might be listening to let us be next. Asking myself why we hadn't been chosen yet. Pouring over adoption profiles and sending endless email inquiries on children available for adoption and being told no, no, no over and over again.
And like you said, 'you can't possibly understand that feeling.' I feel certain you have absolutely no idea. . . . Not every child is yours or a "part of you" because you grew it inside of you. My child will always be a part of me, because we're fighting for this life together.
This mom and her views have received a great number of positive comments from those supporting her speaking up against the mom shaming, as well as those with adoptive or step-children who face a similar predicament.
In addition to her detailed response to the mom shaming Facebook user, this mom also has a summarised one-phrase response: F*ck you. I'm a Mom.
Mom Shaming On Social Media
Mom shaming has probably always existed but it's gotten far worse in this digital age, what more with the availability of social media. People hide behind the veil of anonymity, or virtual personas and judge and put other moms down. There has been a steep rise in the number of sanctimonious moms who are out to get other moms.
Such characters are toxic and they exist everywhere. You can find them actively mom shaming on Breastfeeding groups, Mom Groups, Baby groups and pretty much everywhere. Sometimes they appear to be friendly and concerned but all they are out to do is compare and make other moms feel lousy.
It's important that moms understand and recognise the unfortunate existence of such people. Not all moms are are strong as the mom mentioned in this article. Many of them succumb to the criticism and start second guessing or even berating themselves for being a terrible or lousy mom.
Say NO to Mom Shaming
The only people who truly know just how difficult it is to be a mom, are moms. As such, it's sad and unfathomable why moms would find pleasure in mom shaming. While it's true that some of them don't actually have ill intentions and do so without realising, it's still important that you know when mom shaming is taking place and what to do if it happens.
Depending on your personality, the way you react might differ greatly from another mom. You may choose to tell the mom shamer off on her face, you may choose to retaliate or even completely ignore the mom shaming.
It's completely up to you so long as you do not allow it to continue happening to you. Exit that chatgroup if you must, cut your friendship with that person if it's really too much for you to handle. At the end of the day, it's your own sanity and well being that matters most.
If you are a more vocal person and you see someone that you know getting victimised by mom shaming, and if it's taking an obvious toll on that person, do take the step to defend her.
Having said all of that, it's also important to take a step back and do some reflection. Do an occasional check on the way you interact with other moms and take a closer look at the comments that you make and how people respond. Make sure that you aren't unknowingly mom shaming someone.
On a concluding note, with all this talk of mom shaming, we aren't saying that you should view everyone in a climate of distrust. Neither are we trying to sow discord between you and your mom friends. There are well-meaning souls out there who truly want to help so find support in the right people and walk away from the toxic ones.
And remember moms, whether you're a c-section mom, a working mom, an adoptive mom, a single mom or any kind of mom, you are doing your best and you're nothing short of amazing!
Republished with permission from: theAsianParent Singapore