To moms who suffered from a pregnancy loss, we see you. You are not alone. Read this mom's heartfelt story about coping with a miscarriage and her message to her baby in heaven.
In her story, you'll read:
- The reason for her early pregnancy loss
- Her message to other moms coping with a miscarriage
“It is of some comfort that the last sound you heard was the beating of my heart.”
I never really wanted to write about my pregnancy loss journey, but here I am. It’s one of the most painful experiences to reminisce, which I thought I’d never had the courage to speak about publicly.
Four months after my miscarriage, I’m finally able to share with you my story, in hopes of shedding light to those who have experienced the same –the loss of an unborn child.
I found out I was pregnant with my supposed-to-be second child last April. Two weeks after, I saw a glimpse of my baby and heard his/her heartbeat for the first time through an ultrasound. However, I was told by the doctor that I had subchorionic hemorrhage, which means that there’s an area in the uterus where the sac of the baby isn’t attached well.
Due to this, I was prescribed a lot of medicine, was advised to avoid stress, and be on complete bed rest for a month and a half. In the middle of the pandemic, I was also in and out of the clinic every two weeks since they had to closely monitor my condition.
I never really had any issues with my first pregnancy, so everything was new to me. And although I was advised to avoid stress, worrying about my precious little baby seemed inevitable, as more and more unfavorable results surfaced after every check-up.
Fast forward to June 17, I was at 11 weeks and 5 days to be precise. I had a scheduled ultrasound appointment, which was a big day for me since they said that most subchorionic hemorrhages usually resolved around that time.
Learning about pregnancy loss
I came to my check-up very nervous but also extremely hopeful that I’d receive good news. I remember praying while I was laying down on the hospital bed waiting for the doctor, and my last words were: “Thy will be done.” The doctor then came, did the ultrasound, and to my surprise said: “Your baby doesn’t have a heartbeat."
My heart completely sank. I didn’t know how to process this information, that I froze for a few seconds, trying to absorb what I just heard. I was so confused and shocked because starting at Week 10, I listened to my baby’s heartbeat daily via a doppler.
The subchorionic hemorrhage I was initially diagnosed with got resolved, but the doctor found that the baby had cystic hygroma, which is a rare type of cyst, usually in the head or neck, due to a blockage in the lymphatic system. A fetus with this type of condition is said to only have a 10% chance of survival. What are the odds that I’d encounter such?
After talking to the doctor, the first thing that came to my mind was how to tell my husband, who was waiting for me at the lobby. It was so painful to hear, that I didn’t want to be the bearer of bad news to someone whom I know will be as affected.
I remember exiting the room with my tears starting to fall, as I approached him. I couldn’t control the sadness I felt that very moment and ended up breaking down in the car on our way home.
Coping with a miscarriage means holding on to faith
I had so many questions in my head, so many things too hard to swallow. But then again, I remembered the saying, “Faith means that you have peace even when you don’t have all the answers."
Maybe the Lord was teaching me to be stronger both in character and in faith, maybe my baby was too beautiful for Earth, ,maybe the Lord wanted to use me and my story to uplift others, and maybe it wasn’t the right time. Maybe. Whatever the reason is, all I know is that God has a plan. He has a purpose for my pains, a reason for my struggles, and a reward for my faithfulness.
When I get flashbacks of what happened to me and my baby, I pray. I pray for comfort, strength, and thank God for what I have. I know that healing and trauma will take time, but the Lord is on my side, and I will overcome.
READ MORE:
11 Things You Should Know About Grief After Miscarriage Or Baby Loss
How To Manage Your Mental Health After Pregnancy Loss
Alex Gonzaga on miscarriage: "I pray that the Lord will comfort Mikee because I know that he really wanted this."
To anyone coping with a miscarriage, you are not alone. I know you are trying to make sense of it all. Death is death no matter how many weeks or months you’re far along.
I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s really ugly and it’s okay to be vulnerable. Allow yourself to grieve and get soaked in every inch of pain because acknowledging your feelings is a step to healing. Do not rush the healing process. Be gentle with yourself. Surround yourself with a good support system.
Make it a habit to count your blessings every day so you don’t focus on what you’ve lost. Do not give up and always pray. Prayer induces feelings of peace, relaxation, and hope. When you’re emotionally, mentally, and physically ready, try again.
To my baby angel, who saw the face of Jesus before mine, it was a joy to feel you so close no matter how short it was. Thank you for making Mommy stronger. You will always be a part of me and you will always be my favorite “what if." I will forever hold you in my heart until the day I see you in heaven.
And to everyone reading this, you never really know what someone is going through. Sometimes, those with smiles painted on their faces are the ones hurting the most. There are so many battles people are dealing with in silence, so always BE KIND.
