Sex is just not happening between the two of you, and it's not the kids. Here are some of the possible psychological barriers to sex...
Sex is just not happening between the two of you. You’re not arguing. It’s not the kids. You have household support. And it’s even physical – both of you are fit, healthy, and getting enough sleep. What gives?
These are some things you can look out for:
- Stress and anxiety – This can stem from work, daily life, relationship or family problems. Irrespective of the reasons for stress, the human body reacts to stress instinctively, somewhat like the fight or flight response.
During this process, our body releases hormones such as cortisol and epinephrine into the blood stream. If you are unable to reverse the stress and it continues for a long time, it can lead to chronic stress problems possibly affecting one’s interest in sex.
- Emotional undercurrents - What is really going on in the relationship? Are you able to communicate well outside of the bedroom? Do you find that both of you are have been having the same fights and arguments throughout your relationships, without a solution at sight?
Could this have been depleting the sense of goodwill and killing the love and romance in your relationship? The way you feel about your partner may be affecting your sexual drive – and desire to be intimate.
- Sexual attitude - Your beliefs about sex as to what ‘normal’, ‘proper’, ‘expected’ or even ‘age-appropriate’ can alter your sex drive. How comfortable are you with sex? Are there certain sexual acts you would never perform? If yes, which are they? And why?
How open are you to talking about sex, and asking for what you want in the bedroom? Your attitude towards sex before and after marriage, pre or post children does affect your sexual behaviour.
- Bedroom boredom - Has sex become a chore or too routine for your liking? Do you feel you are just going through the motions for your partner’s benefit?
Do you wish that there was more time in romance? Are you still able to attain your orgasm consistently, or persistently feel pressure to have one? A lack of authentic emotional connection and pleasure cab short-circuit the flames between your thighs. What would make sex better for you?
- What else - Have you been working under a tyrant boss, uncooperative colleagues and an abusive work environment for too long? Could you be depressed?
The effects of burning the midnight oil, irregular exercise, and unhealthy diet – too much oil, fat and sugars, all accumulate. Some things you can do that can help you feel better immediately include - eating healthily, getting moderate exercise and having sufficient rest.
I trust that the above has given you some ideas of where your real issue behind lack of more sex might lay. You need to be communicating honestly with your partner – including asking for support. It may take the form of negotiating or compromising on what you are willing to do sexually.
You are the other 50% in the relationship, and can make sex better by implementing some changes. Honestly explore what would make sex better for you, and own your sexuality.
Boxed? Here are some suggestions
- Relax - Have a long bath together with your dearest, especially if you enjoy being in or around water.
- Return to your body - Go for a walk with your partner. Leafy environments soothe our minds, is good for our bodies as trees and bushes generate oxygen and soak up carbon dioxide.
- Compromise - You may not have the desire to have penetrative sex. How about asking for a hand job?
- Touch more - With more time for touch and cuddling, sex is more likely to happen. And even if sex doesn’t happen, it goes some way to keeping a couple feeling connecting and stronger.
- Do it anyway - An orgasm will help you relax, sleep better and remove all the knots of tension from your head and shoulders.
- Divide and conquer – In a busy household, chores are at times left to be the last thing to be done before bedtime. Speed things up by chipping in where possible, so there is more time for physical intimacy.
Republished with permission from: theAsianParent Singapore